A personal favorites when it comes to photography is the combination of paint and people. This little feature is an essentially random collection of just that: The pieces selected are all stunning examples of brilliant use of paint in portraiture that deserve a little (more) recognition. Most of these were discovered simply by searching ' paint ' in the People and Portraits section of Photography.

Don't forget to comment, critique and the works that catch your eye...

Build, kid build. That’s what it’s all about now. Build a dream, build a life, build an empire. Nothing elaborate, just a network of intertwined aspirations being cemented into the once barren earth all around.

I’m reaching towards the sky, and holy shit, I’m getting there. This isn’t about big things, it’s about drops of progress that form a little stream. There is a stream. There’s a stream filling up these glasses, and I couldn’t be happier. Things are on the rise, and I feel like I’m going somewhere, like I’m moving forward, and my projects are moving forward, and im starting to be surrounded by just the right mix of people who are going to make this all happen.

I know how jumbled this sounds, but I feel jumbled right now. In the midst of all this, I’ve felt happy, genuinely content. Things get stressful, and occasionally some feet get stepped on and my temper flares, for good reason or bad, but in the end this all feels so right.

Just keep building.

I tell my self.

Keep building.

I’m used to ups and downs. The downs are inevitable, and the only thing left to chance or guess work is how bad things might get. Like how immobilized and abrasive I’ll get, and who I’ll manage to alienate. While I’ve always committed to viewing this as fact, it’s only recently I’ve started to convince myself the lows don’t have to be so low, and shit, I can make the highs whatever I want. This life can be great, on such a grand scale, and I can make that happen.

Or am I living in a fucking illusion?

Yeah.
I have to stop and wonder if I feel great because I’m just not being confronted by the things that truly get under my skin. Is the good only good because I don’t have to deal with the bad?

Maybe. But I’m going to be positive, and look at this in a more broad sense.
The bad things today aren’t what they were a few years ago.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where the big things have been moved off the table for the most part. I’m ‘out’ I don’t have to hide from my friends and parents, I’m done with the web of shit that comes along with being closeted etc. That used to be a huge crater in my life, and I feel like it’s finally hit some point of resolve.

There are my parents. I used to have huge issues with them, now they’re just kind of benign fixtures in my life. Off the table.

Annd there are friends. These people are important… critically important in my life, yet herein lies a huge rift in my life. I don’t know how to even say this lightly, or if I even should, or if I even can say it right.

There are situations that I’m well aware of that bother me on sooooo such a deep level that at times I’ve felt like the best thing to do for myself was to let go, and those people in my past. It just so happens the things that are the most painful to witness involve the sort of people that are too important to just throw to the wind. And that’s what the past has taught me.

So I ignore, and I fucking build. A bit of angry energy can go so far if directed towards something useful. But this.. I can’t ever contain this, and I can’t lay it to rest because it’s all forever popping up and saying ‘hey, look, this is still here, and there isn’t shit you can do about it.’

I wish to some extent I couldn’t care sooooo much about certain things. I wish wish wish I could ignore things or accept things, but that’s become impossible. One, because the parties involved cant be honest about things, and two because thins shit exposes itself just enough to deny me the opportunity to ignore it.

Friendship closes it’s eyes. This is the most important lesson I have learned in a very very long time. I don’t cherish my closest friends because I think they’re perfect. Don’t believe that for a second. I’m not dumb, and I am perceptive. It’s not a conversation I would have, but I am abundantly aware of all the flaws we all have.

This is relatively open ended and directed to a few very specific people: I know you, I know you well and for fucks sake! You’re important to me IN SPITE of your flaws. The reason I consider you to be important is because of the fact that who you are, who I see you as, that far outweighs all the shit I might know about you and all the things you may have ever done or all the truths you may have evaded and all the shit that’s happened ether to me or with other people that I happen to know about.

Moving on/going back.

There are some issues which are rife with contention that I try too hard to avoid. Some things sicken me to such a disgusting degree that I feel at times like I might fucking explode. Things that perhaps aren’t my business, that I have no part in, that do not concern me. Does that matter though? These are people I care about, and i wonder sometimes if any of it is worth it.

I live hoping and believing that things will work themselves out. I withhold my opinions on sooo many things so often in hopes that the lives of others might ultimatlty vindicate my fears all on their own. I hope, knowing I have no control in the end, that no one has to get too hurt, myself included.

And I hope that I can fucking build, reaching ever upwards without having to pause and see something I wish I didn’t have to see. I want to reach for the stars without having to drop my hands to my side as I hear words that tell stinging tales. I hope I can lay these bricks without having these wondrous walls pushed over by the things I witness readily that make me so… so abundantly sad inside.

Sometimes I wonder… If I could bare to leave these people behind… If I could live without them, would I.. Just leave them behind… To find peace within my self?

I feel so guilty for wondering that at times.

And so fucking angry that all these people can’t be more perfect. More honest, more straightforward.. more… idk. I’m no better... This is really bothering my now.

I’ll pretend tonight never happened. I’ll get up tomorrow, and I’ll make something fucking incredible. Somewhat that will pay homage to the little knives life drives into my back, and I’ll try to remember why it is I love these people. And I’ll know, that in the end I wouldn’t trade this all for anything.

Maybe it’s a lost cause. This is the thought that haunts me. Maybe.. maybe what I see is tainted, and maybe it’s all just ruined. I wonder at times if in two years ill even be able to look at your faces.. Maybe I’ll be over.. Maybe I’ll be somewhere new.

I hate this.

I’m lost. I don’t know how else to put it really. Over the past couple of weeks so much has managed to change, while at the same time, on the surface, everything seems exactly the same in a lot of respects. I’m kind of left wondering what’s even going. I’ve pretty much lost faith in every single person around me. I know that might sound arrogant, or judgmental, but I have.

Whether it’s someone betraying my confidence, or trust, or just generally acting in a way that is ridiculous, everyone seems to have melted back to this level of juvenility, and staleness. I probably have too. I don’t even know. Everything is so confusing.

I really hate this. I really really hate this.

The horizon is so unclear, and I feel like such shit about everything that is to come. I’m finally convinced everything in life is meant to go wrong, no matter how much I try to make it right, the past apparently doesn’t go away. So what can I do? I just want to leave it all. Everyone. I just want to experience something new, somewhere where I don’t have to regret all the things that happened, whether they were my fault or not, where I don’t have to have layer after layer of judgment and conclusion following me around, tainting my opinions, and the opinions of others.

I feel like I’m trapped in a box I thought I had already escaped.

And I hate that there is so much bullshit getting in the way of me just being able to care about the people I care about and calling it day.

So what have I learned? Apparently everything around me is fucked up beyond repair. Broken by me, or others, and left to rot, with no hope of ever being repaired. I suppose ultimately apologies and forgiveness wear thin… And I don’t know what could be enough to fill some pot holes. If I didn’t care about what I do have, I probably would… I don’t even know, but I’m so fucking drained, and sick and tired, and I don’t even know what to say.

There isn’t anger in these words, only dismay in the fact that I’ve somehow already managed to back my life into a corner I want nothing more than to escape.

I’m lost and I just want this all to go away.

But more than that, I want things to be right… And I’m wondering if they ever can be.

In regard to interpersonal relationships one thing is always constant: at every step of the way there will be an obstacle of some size or importance that demands great amounts of my thought and consideration that at times results in some level of hurt, distrust, dismay, or general ill will. That is to say, inevitable I will get punched in the face by a mad combination of circumstance and the follies of the people I trust. Realize this though: I see all these experiences as a service to myself; a chance to build on what I know about the world, and to learn more. An opportunity to store away new experiences and utilize the tools I’ve garnered from experiences past.

Does this always outweigh the negative though?

Current events in my little snow globe have weighed on my mind tremendously. Why? Because I pick apart the recent past and learn everything I can from it. This is, in the most basic of terms, my nature. I don’t believe I over analyze anything I just have this dying need to understand it all. This is usually a very successful pursuit, perhaps one which people deprive credit. Logic and knowledge have afforded me the ability to form an understanding of the people around me that is often times far better and more complete than those people realize or would ever even admit.

As of late all this contemplation surrounds this concept of trust. Trust. It’s this crazy idea, crazy like the idea of faith. It is to believer the words of others without needed finite evidence of truth. It is believing that they would never do anything to harm you as a person, as a friend. It is this.. ridiculous concept. It is surrendering any defenses one might have with the understanding that they are not necessary… I like this idea. I like the idea of surrendering arms in favor of a peace rooted in trust.
But I know all that is bullshit. Trust is a method to get fucked over when you actually take that leap towards trusting the words of another based not on fact and logic but on a past for friendship, or other crap like that.

To place unbridled trust in another’s hands is to point to your face and simply exclaim “kick me, right here, don’t worry, I won’t actually try to stop you, I’ll just writhe in a bloody pain when you’re done.”

But that’s a lie. See, no one actually expects to get kicked in the face, it just happens.
The retrospection initiated by a set of false words is perhaps the worst part. It’s when someone you trust completely bullshits you about something simple that you are forced to step back and actually look at all these things you ignored at their word. It’s at this point that I resign myself to the realization that I can’t fucking trust anyone, especially not those who I should be able to.

I sense that writing this comes with a degree of danger. People I am close to will probably see this and get pissed off at me for holding this set of beliefs. Maybe they will even claim that my distrust of them is in some way an attack on them personally, a display that we’re not as close as originally thought. Maybe, just maybe those reading this will find the audacity to call bullshit on me for saying this. I certainly welcome the accusation.

Here’s the thing, while these words might come as a slap in the face of the people who ‘care’ about me, they can’t possibly go without realizing that their actions match my words perfectly in severity. That their choice to exploit my naïve trust is far, far worse than my deciding to talk about it.

I’m not going to be a dick the entire time though. I invite the opportunity to see what this trust thing is all about. I invite the idea, I invite the idea of someone trusting me enough to know that petty situations are not worth violating my confidence. That no matter what the ‘truth’ is, in the end all I care about is that one would put enough faith in what we have to just be honest and upfront.

I’m not an angry person. Maybe I have been, but that’s not the case as of late. And even though some truths can sting, they will not change my opinion of the people around me. Admitting something tough to admit take a strong character, and that is enough to blunt the blows of any words. It’s being lied to that hurts the most. It hurts nodding my head and pretending to believe the words when I know I can’t. That’s what sucks.

Don’t take me for an oblivious person. I’m fucking perceptive whether you or I would like to admit it. No, no it doesn’t take petty rumors to spark my curiosity or concern. Those things don’t matter to me, and to claim I base my beliefs on those things is more foolish then lying about them.

I’m here, and I’m here for good, people, so just… stop, please!

I talk in such generalities because this is not directed at one person in particular, but rather a very small handful. Everything I said here applies to all of you whom find it fit.
Maybe these are things I should say in person, but I can’t stand denials that I know are bullshit, it’s a very sickening process. And, besides, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already lost all the faith in people I can leave, so I guess in the end I don’t give a shit what any of you think, or get from this. And I don’t care enough o have these conversations, unless, that is, if people want to actually be honest about things for once.

Am I guilty of these same transgressions? Maybe, but not to this extent. When I have asked people to trust my words with any gravity I have always been honest. I’d like to see one person who’s really close to me make that same claim.

And am I wrong? Have i misread something that gave me cause to write words like this? Than tell me, if you would be so kind.

This isn’t about keeping your word. It’s about not spouting words that lack truth. That’s all.

I could be typing this at home, at my desk in the corner. I do that often. Not tonight though. I feel more compelled to to do this here because I'm actually surrounded by people, people i care about. So whatever, now i type.

This is probably going to be incoherent, mostly. Thats because as I type, there is a television on. The pictures flash, and sound comes out of the computer, and as that happens my mind can not discern the difference between that and these keys. I know what I want to say, and as I go to push the corresponding keys in front of me the idea is lost. Its gone now. Gone. I can get it out, I can get some mangled remnant out but not with the eloquence I once could.

Talking is just as impossible at times. I remember I time that has not long passed where words could speed out of my mouth, crafted just as I wanted them. The synergy of tong and mind was perfect. Now the place from which my words are formed suffers a fate similar to the fingers that that type now. The middle of a sentence can be it's own little hell, a hell where as I'm speaking I've forgotten what I'm saying, and what I intend to say. Just as quickly as I've stumbled i remember again what i meant to have said.

It's a constant fog. Concentration comes and goes, and I cherish it when it is near. But no matter how close it is, my affectation in speech is flat. I ca say what i want to say is plane, and simple terms, and I can type for hours, paragraph after paragraph. But the edge of creativity, that part that makes blocs of text tolerable, that Is lost. It's gone. Where once there lived an appreciation and awe of the world around me and an ability to convey that in text, there is now nothing. A void of thought.

My head is under water. your voices enter, muffled and spread out. The things I see are fogged to near obscurity. And as I lay in bed at night, when all is quiet, I can hear it. I can hear what I can only describe as a chaos of thought, of neurons firing in succession, then randomly, quickly, rapidly. This sounds like a hiss, a hiss that at times becomes a low pitched ringing. As I lay in bed the silence is drowned out by this. And yet I sleep. I sleep but do not dream...

I do not dream. Not in the literal sense, or the figurative. My future is a mystery to me, one I am apathetic about. I have no lace to get two and i naturally don't care that I have no way to get there. Somehow, the thought of rotting here is no less appealing than anything else I could be doing.

Day to day life is a struggle. A struggle to stay on top of these chemically induced defects in my mind. Articulating my ideas is a toss of the dice. To talk to people, whether friend or acquaintance is difficult. My ability to attend to such interaction is just further stunted. I never know what to say or what to do. So I say or do nothing. And my nothing I mean nothing of substance. Just the same lines, over and over, just a feeble attempt to be human.

I can be content, I can be happy, and I can get along with people, but everything fees so impersonal. The only thing I seem to be truly feeling is despair, and a longing to exist again.

To know there person I could be and have been, and to know the person I am now, a shell of myself... I can see the difference, and I can't fucking deal with it anymore.

I say people mean the world to me, and when I say that I mean to mean it. But.. I don't even know if I'm capable of even caring, truly caring about anyone or anything. I just don't care... I can't figure out how to anymore. And.. the things that people say, all of them sting. For some reason everything feels a blow, and I do;t understand it. Even good matured things not intended to hurt. I feel like a sand castle being worn down by rain.. I cant explain it, I don't have the ability to say it.

This has been a steady decline.. It's gotten slowly worse with each day. and It's becoming unbearable... Because i am feeling an emotion, the one that floods in, the one single one that can break through the fog in my head. Despair..

And while i feel stunted in every way mentally, physically I feel like I am wasting away. Food disgusts me. i can go a day with no food, and when the hunger builds enough for me to eat, I can only eat a little, and after the idea of food is again so repelling. Its disgusting. Sooo disgusting. This was novel at one point. Loosing unwanted weight was a welcome prospect, and while I don't believe i am b any means thin now, I know I'm not eating what I should, and I feel like shit all the time.

I could type about those things for paragraphs...

But i need this to stop, because I'm at a point where i just.. I have an ounce of motivation, f caring left, and if nothing changes with that, then I feel like I'm done, at least for now.. Just done. I cant explain this. If i could say it in words I would, but I feel so pathetic in every way.

This is optional though. This is all optional. If i just cut one pill out of my daily routine, the fog will fade, slowly, but surly, it will fade... Articulation will again come with ease. And maybe I could feel a little.

But.. ut that comes at a price. Its a steep price at times, the price is.. ... I don't know. I don't feel like I can survive, and I didn't even know why. Then there's other little issues that get bigger. I love food and of course i don't live an active enough lifestyle to eat and not get fat. That's a side issue, but it certainly does suck.

I.. I meant to say so much here, and it's all gone now. All I know is that with every word anyone utters I just want to cry,and I almost do... And it doesn't even matter that's being said, it just breaks me down, and i have no fucking clue why... I can't deal with any of this.

This is the foundation my life is built on. All the shit that has to go on with me and the people around me.. It's all built on this mound of shit. It's something beyond what I can deal with. Things more serious like betrayal of trust and words and lies, or stupid things like drama and people who haven't experienced enough of life to be mature, all those things cut only as deep as they can before they hit bone. There's nothing left to buffer those blows.

The isolation I feel can't be described in words. No matter how much I know I'm not alone, know that I am, and I don't understand why. I'm operating on such a primal level at this point. all I can think about is burying my face is someones shoulder and crying..and I don't know why... I'm an island... is chaotic waters.. or something. I don't even know anymore.

4 years ago I knew my self and where I wanted to go, and I was fucking getting there. I had lots of shit going on, but no matter how alone I felt, I always felt human,I felt alive, to some extent, and I felt like I could go somewhere, I had a chance at one day attaining that holy grail of happiness, or maybe just contentment.

But today.. I'm mangled on the floor, crippled by life's blows and the chemicals from that little bottle i consume without fail each and every morning.

I know I'm ruining my self, and yet I see no other way to dull the harsh realities of my life, or at least the things I see as realities. I'm afraid I'll fall deeper again into the same hole I've managed to climb out of...

I type this only to explain everything that might or might not happen.. To explain why I waste away, maybe unnoticed before your eyes......

What is there to say? So.. so very much, but it's just gone now. gone..